Ponders.

Just earlier I was watching another ep of Grey’s and it made me sad. It’s crap telly drama I know but I used to watch it because it was somewhat inspirational and it made me value things/people in my life. Nowadays it just makes me sad and somewhat sour about things that are going on in my life. It’s hard when you know what you want and yet you know not how to obtain them. Trying isn’t good enough. Either do or do not. There is no trying. Wise words of Yoda. I’ve tried. By gawd I’ve tried to do right by people and by myself. It would seem that nothing I do bears much fruit. Even when it does, I often count my eggs before they hatch and get disappointed when they don’t.

There are certain things you need in life and some you just want. They differ in different stages in life. I had always been the lone wolf that was happy to be dipped in solitude. T’is not that I no longer appreciate it, sometimes it would be nice to share a moment with someone who recognises how that moment was important for you. That recognition is important, least you want is someone who hardly knows you yet professes to love you. Love is overrated. Always is and I was too much of a fool to realise it. I’ve been here so many times, I’ve lost count. I’ve been burned and yet I haven’t learned. I have the faith of a child in things that are invisible to everyone but me. There is an old soul in this body of mine that has outgrown its host. Not many seem to notice how my youthful and somewhat childish actions betray my inner thoughts.

I know not what holds in the future. I chose NOT to believe in futures. I chose to believe in the present. I can only live the best I can and plan how I can prepare for the future. I dream. As most do. My dreams are sometimes so big and epic that I am but a tiny speck of dust compared to them. I have yet to find someone to share these dreams with. I have not found such a person. I may share my mind, my body, my life and my heart with them. My dreams are sacred and dear to me. It remains as such till I find someone would be close enough to share it with. Till then. I dream on. Still.

@3 months ago
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